Okay, so I set up this blog a few weeks ago, and never managed to post to it. Why did I bother? I am not looking for readers like most people - I think I just feel like I need a "Dear Diary" and at this point, do not want to burden my friends.
I think I am in over my head. I work fulltime at a job I mostly love (okay, there are always some exceptions...). I am a night student at a state university, and I am really pleased to be there (most of the time...) I am now on extended Jury Duty in a Federal Court - this is the fifth week. Okay, so it is not every day, but enough that it totally disrupts my job, my studies, and my family life, and is not doing much for my self esteem. The hardest part is not being able to talk to anyone about it, and holding it all in.
So now, I have to remind myself how very lucky I am and how happy I should be. I am healthy (for the most part). I have a wonderful family (again, for the most part). I have a job that I think is secure, and I really care about the people there, and think most of the time that the feeling is mutual (again.... for the most part).
But as with everything else, I tend to be overly sensitive and when anything is said that I feel may be damaging to me in even a very little way, I get really down. As it is right now, I wake up every day with a knot in my stomach. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes not. I feel like I always have to prove myself. I think I really am always trying to prove myself - to me. I am my own biggest critic.
So why the title of my blog? Sometimes I feel just like that - a tiny, single grain of sand on a vast beach, and I wonder if I really make a difference. I guess it is all relative. On that beach, one grain would not be missed. People step on it and track it away and wash it off all the time. But a grain of sand in one oyster? I have to keep reminding myself that it can sometimes become... a pearl. So I will just keep on trying......
How I wish I were on that beach right now.
